Announcement: MyContact App Available Now

Dear Students,

We are delighted to announce the launch of our new MyContact app. This innovative app, built in an exclusive partnership with a consortium of leading institutions, advertising companies and Government agencies, will guarantee our world-class campus experience remains virus minimized. This mandatory app is freely available for download and fully compatible with the wide range of approved smartphones available to purchase or hire from the University shop. 

The completely anonymous data we collect is fully integrated with our state-of-the-art smart campus learning analytics system. This means that the app will not only provide you with the virus minimized campus experience you deserve, but can also save you the hassle of registering attendance at lectures, tracking the time you have spent doing group project work, and making sure you claim your guaranteed 110 minutes of weekly contact time with our internationally recognised expert lecturers (subject to availability). All MyContact-Negative students will also be able to use the app to access the library, our sporting facilities, the secure panic-zones, and to spend up to 15 minutes each semester playing with our new hypoallergenic therapy kittens. 

Smart symptom tracking via our new big data Stay Alert infrared camera and microphone system will save you the difficulty of completing symptom questionnaires and provide peace of mind that no one ‘accidently forgets’ to log when they have symptoms. Any student that is MyContact-Positive is automatically granted access to one of our fully-equipped isolation pods (subject to availability), and their friends and family are automatically informed along with our containment team. MyContact-Positive students will be granted a remote-controlled human-proxy at no charge for up to 4 days a semester. 

Please download the app today, and remember never to approach University staff unless they are wearing a full set of protective equipment. 

Kind regards,

Vice Chancellor, Cynical University

By John Rooksby |@johnrooksby